true colors shining through

so sorry about not writing in forever... but I must tell the truth: Facebook has me hooked. I just get all wrapped up in checking it, that I neglected to think of my blog...whoops! Anyways why is it that when you are given the perfect opertunity to do something great you just stand there?? This past week at work we were all standing around working on our blood product and one of my fellow co-works had a family member come in and donate blood. This perticular family member wanted to see what "happened" to the blood after donation so we let them come back to the lab and check things out. Then right in the middle of processing the blood, who should begin to have reactions to the donation, but this donor standing right in the lab. Everyone else springs to action and help hold, ask question, give air, talk pulse, call 911... and what does yours truely do... thats right- I just stood there and took the whole thing in. I eventually when out to the front of the building and let the EMT guys in... but come on.... I'm going to be graduating with a degree in health care and I do what... hold the door for the EMT. I don't think I could feel any lower then after that point. I mean... really! Anyways this whole flippin' degree has me confussed and I don't think I like it and I just want to do something else and I don't know what that is and it's really driving me crazy and I just have been so.... AHHHHH the last couple of weeks. I mean I love my life soooooo much, but I really am not intested in my "job's" at all. I am so excited to get off of work and to not have to think about working in a hospital. I find myself being most happy when I think that I can do something different then work in the health care feild. I don't know what I would do, but it's got to be better then how I feel about working as a CLS. I know that I am good at what I do and that if I try hard enough I could really excel, but do I want to do this with the rest of my life? I've poured so much of my heart and soul into just finishing this and now that I am done I kind of just want to be like "see I knew I could do it and I did it!". But after I say that... that's it. I have little desire to step into the world that I have created for myself and it scares me to death that I am not listen to God enough to really understand what it is that I am suppose to be doing. I just want to do the right thing. It also gets me so frustrated that whenever I start worrying about what the future is going to bring I then start stressing that I still have not met a guy or even a potential for a guy... WHY CAN'T I JUST FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE AND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME! okay it is totally late and I am starting to spase out and I think that I might be PMSing so I'm going to sigh off and know that I've put all this out their and it's nothing to stress over and God is in control. Blahhhhhh it really does feel good to have just sat here for the last 15 min and say what has been lingering and simmering in the back of my mind for like the last 4 weeks! ahhhh sooo good. (but really I do want to fall in love... why do I hate that I want that so bad. is it really that crazy for me to write... or am I just so scared of being hurt by something that I want so desperately bad, that I'm pretending I don't want it so I can pretend not to feel crushed that I don't have anyone wanting to love me! Okay I can stop moping duhhhh I totally have God I can rely on HIM! Easier said then done!